Coming Home to Myself
My biggest dreams used to be my dirtiest secrets. I read through some pre-Covid journals recently and saw the thought patterns that had become chants over the years. It’s not the right time. I am fine for now, I have other priorities. I want X, but I don’t know how to get there….
Something was holding me back.
Deep down, the problem was self-rejection. I could not even accept that my dreams were good or correct or worthy of pursuit, let alone take steps towards them. The worst part is, I didn’t even realize that was the case.
The fear trickled down, affecting not just my career but my relationships, too. I will save that for the newsletter. If you want to go deeper with me on this, subscribe below.
The Veneer of Being Good
Since school, I realized, I have tried to be the good boy that everyone expected me to be. As a kid, I was either too passionate, too distracted or too immersed in my own world, others said, and after failing over and over, I finally relented. Being good turned into an unconscious north star. I approached life with the desire to iron the things that stuck out and stop causing ripples. And surely, that is exactly what happened. I had stopped causing trouble. With that, I had also suppressed my other desires. Over time, this attitude locked several dangerous myths into my psyche.
I have learned from some of the most renowned contemporary astrologers, and yet the thought of being judged stopped me from sharing my skills.
One was the exaggerated importance of being liked. I was always myself a little bit, but I often wondered whether if I was ever myself any more, I would cease to be liked. Whether I would be judged. This became my prison.
Suffice to say the question wriggled in my head and kept me frozen in place. Outwardly, I moved the needle along: I was growing in my job, I was being recognized as good, finally!, and getting promotions as quickly as anyone. I developed outside of work and practiced my passions in my spare time. It’s not that I stagnated, but I didn’t aim higher, either.
I look back with wonderment at how hyperaware I was of the judgment of others, and how draining it was to live this way. Thoughts like if I am not liked, do I even exist? sound abhorrent today, but were once inescapable. I am quoting an old journal here.
‘LIKE ME!’ Comes at a Price
Writing was one of those dreams. For me, writing is about discovering identity, which can feel abstract and difficult to talk about. When people asked me what are you passionate about, they meant what is your profession. Aspiring identity detective didn’t quite translate. Becoming a therapist wasn’t my ambition, per se, although I studied psychology which helped me learn the mindsets to achieve more.
I knew I wanted to provoke change in people’s mindsets and self-narratives. I knew my method would involve marrying invention and imagination with the pragmatic side of shedding old narratives. But I wasn’t sharing it, and I wasn’t doing it.
Then I found spiritual frameworks and tools like astrology, more well-kept secrets. They expanded the opportunities for self-discovery tenfold, and inspired much self-reflection and forward momentum. But here, too, I didn’t see them as good or respectable, even though they worked. I hoarded my knowledge and for a long time I practiced in secret, exclusively within my circle.
I studied with some of the most renowned contemporary astrologers, and yet thinking that others may judge me stopped me from sharing my skills.
Because I hadn’t cultivated inner safety, meaning that I wasn’t at home in myself, I felt exposed, and my instinct was to hide. Now I am home. I know that here it is safe. I can pull the curtain open, and it’s not scary. It is this journey that inspired me to share this. The story of it is a long one. Join me below to keep reading.
Now it is your turn. Do you recognize the good person veneer? Book a free consultation and let’s talk. It may just be your time to reach towards greater freedom, too. It feels good.